


breathe in, breathe out

by ohallows



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Holding Hands, Major Character death referenced, Platonic Cuddling, diverges like ep 131
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:07:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22371529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohallows/pseuds/ohallows
Summary: Growing up, Hamid can’t remember many nights where he slept alone. There were enough rooms in the house for all of the children to have their own rooms, although the twins always shared. Hamid had his own room, but it was less of a bedroom and more of a playroom for him, considering how rarely he slept there.
Relationships: Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan & Azu
Comments: 7
Kudos: 40





	breathe in, breathe out

**Author's Note:**

> this is a VERY BELATED bday gift for charlie it was apparently last week i was REMISS in my DUTIES as a FRIEND and GIFT-GIVER and i hope that you all can forgive me. 
> 
> anyways. have some good good hamid and azu feels. i’m sorry i think the tense is all over the place

Growing up, Hamid can’t remember many nights where he slept alone. There were enough rooms in the house for all of the children to have their own rooms, although the twins always shared. Hamid had his own room, but it was less of a bedroom and more of a playroom for him, considering how rarely he slept there. 

His parents weren’t as strict as everyone always thought they were; the public face of the always-proper Tahan family faded away when they were able to close the doors and just be with each other. Family dinners were a mandatory, warm affair. The servants would bring in course after course of entrees, ranging from hamam mahshi to kushari to mombar. Dessert was always conducted in the parlor, while everyone shared stories from their day.

Their parents would retire to their rooms, and Hamid would end up sleeping in Aziza or Saira’s room, usually. Sometimes, he and Saleh would end up passed out on the floor after playing for hours, and the servants would just tuck them both into Saleh’s bed instead of carrying Hamid all the way back to his room. Even when the twins were born, Hamid would sometimes sneak into the nursery and fall asleep in a chair in the corner, watching his younger brothers and making sure that they were safe. 

Their parents never minded; sometimes, they’d even set up an entire tent in one of the larger parlors and pretend like they were out camping. The servants would make an elaborate set up of mattresses and blankets and the entire family would crowd inside, ending up in one giant pile as they fell asleep. 

They’re some of Hamid’s favorite memories.

It hadn’t happened as much, when Saleh and Aziza had gone off to school. Their father had become a bit more closed off, focusing heavily on the bank, and their mother had been so busy trying to wrangle the twins (albeit with Hamid and Saira’s help) that they just… hadn’t had much time for that, anymore. But that’s - that - 

The point is. Hamid isn’t used to sleeping alone. Even when he moved to university, he and Gideon shared a room; when they both moved to a larger flat, the amount of times they’d end up falling asleep tangled on the couch outnumbered the time they’d fallen asleep in their own beds. And then Hamid had started dating Liliana, and, well… they didn’t spend much time away from each other, to be honest. The most alone he’d been was the six months after getting kicked out of university; six months of long, cold nights, using alcohol to try and stave off the nightmares. But then he’d met Zolf and Sasha, and reunited with Bertie, and for the most part they’d all fallen asleep on couches, on cots in the same room, in hammocks… he didn’t spend much time alone, after that. Zolf left, and Hamid still stayed close to Sasha, as much as he was able, and then Grizzop, when he joined them as well. 

But now he and Azu are alone. The only ones left. And, gods, it hurts. 

They slept together that first night, Hamid soaking Azu’s shoulder with tears as he  _ shook _ in her arms, clinging tightly to the other. He’d fallen asleep eventually, completely exhausted and wrung out from the events of the day before. He doesn’t know if Azu had actually gotten to sleep. She was awake when he finally passed out, and awake when he woke up. 

Their hands were clasped together throughout the whole night. It was… Hamid had expected to be waking up from nightmares the entire time, but he thinks that he was so  _ tired  _ that his brain simply didn’t have the energy to summon them. Hamid woke up to the feeling of Azu slowly stroking the back of his hand as she hummed slightly, staring out the window at the rising sun. There were dried tear tracks on her cheeks, a sight Hamid is sure he matches, based on how dry his face feels. 

It’s an unspoken agreement, then. To not be alone. To not leave the other alone. They’ve already lost enough, lost people they cared about, came back to a broken world they had no idea how to fix. For now, they were all each other had. 

And then the cage. And, gods,  _ Zolf _ , and Hamid hadn't realized how relieved he would be to see him again. But Zolf still won’t let them out of the cage, which Hamid really does  _ understand,  _ even if he doesn’t appreciate it. He and Azu are stuck in there for a week, and there’s only one cot, so they normally end up cuddled together for sheer space reasons, never mind the comfort reasons. Somehow, their hands always find each other again, and their fingers tangle together. Hamid likes to think it keeps away the nightmares. 

Even after the week is up and they’ve been cleared to wander around the inn, neither of them wants to sleep alone. 

The first night out of the cells, Hamid didn’t even think of going back to his room. Everything was too big, too empty, and yet he still felt like he was being compressed, still felt like the room was shrinking around him. He’d gone to Azu’s room the second she’d gotten out of her shower, with a hopeful grin on his face, and she’d let him in without a second’s thought. 

They held hands that night, too, sitting across from each other. Hamid hadn't really wanted to discuss things in front of Zolf, regardless of how much he trusts him. Zolf wasn’t there in Rome, he can’t fully understand just how badly it really went; Azu was there, though, and the two of them were the only survivors of the party, even if they had saved all the hostages. Hamid doesn’t know which one of them starts crying first, but then he’s in Azu’s lap as the sobs wrack his body, and he can feel Azu shaking as well as her arms wrap around his frame. 

It’s just - there are empty spaces, now. Gaps in his thinking, where Sasha and Grizzop used to fit comfortably. It’s - when Azu’s there, the spaces… shrink. They never disappear, and Hamid doesn’t think they ever will, but at least he isn’t alone, staring up at a dark ceiling, wondering what he should be doing next. 

They fall asleep together that night as well, curled up in a pile on Azu’s bed, and it’s not the most comfortable Hamid’s ever been but he at least feels safe. Comforted. It’s funny, almost - in a terrible, horrible,  _ ironic  _ way, that even after the week in the cell he has no desire to spend any time alone. He’d thought he would, but… well, being with Azu just feels safer. Almost like if he can keep her in eyesight, he can protect her (Hamid is fully aware that Azu has a great big axe and can protect herself perfectly well if need be, but it still comforts him to be able to visually reassure himself that she’s okay). 

After that night, Hamid gives up any attempt at pretense. It’s just  _ easier _ than anything else. He knows neither Zolf nor Cel think anything of it, and doesn’t really  _ care _ about Wilde’s opinions at the moment. He and Azu politely request to share a room at the inn before leaving for a mission, and when they get back, all of their (relatively meagre) belongings have been moved into a much larger room, one with an attached en suite. He and Azu really don’t leave each other’s space often, anymore; Hamid knows it brings Azu comfort to keep him close, to keep him protected, and the feeling goes both ways. 

Being with Azu… helps. Zolf will join them in their room, sometimes, sitting back against the bed with his head tilted upwards, eyes closed, as they talk softly. Cel becomes a regular staple as well, snoring loud enough to wake the dead (and Hamid would know what that’s like, considering _ all of Prague _ ). Both of them eventually half-move into the room as well, especially after particularly harrowing missions where each of them need to remind themselves that the others are still okay. 

Still, most of the time it’s just Hamid and Azu, cuddling together in a bed that’s big even for Azu, and for a moment, everything feels safe. Hamid’s head, tucked back against Azu’s chest, can hear her heart beating, a steady, even rhythm, and it’s that pattern that helps to put him to sleep. 

They do  _ talk _ about them, eventually. For a while it hurts, hurts to even think about. But then they start telling stories, and the pain dulls to a quiet ache, and they’re allowed to  _ remember  _ Sasha and Grizzop instead of only mourn them. Zolf hadn’t known Grizzop, but he’ll chime in with stories about Sasha, embellish the parts that Hamid can’t quite remember. They tell him and Cel stories about Grizzop, and it’s not long before they can laugh along with the memories. 

They still go on missions. When they’re out in the field, they push their kits next to each other, curl up together until one of them has to take watch. And even then, whoever’s awake stays close, keeping an eye on the other. It becomes a habit, being close like that; something Hamid hasn’t really had since he was much younger. 

The spaces are still there, months later. After the world has been saved, after they’ve all moved on, Azu still makes the spaces seem smaller. Makes it seem like there are less holes in his heart. She’s started smiling more these past few months as well, and there have been less and less instances of Hamid waking up in the dead of night to find herself staring, stonily, up at the ceiling, looking as though all the weights of the world rest solely on her chest. They’re both  _ healing _ , slowly but surely. 

They still sleep together more nights than not. Sometimes they’re traveling and can’t be together, but Einstein got them both special, upgraded mobile stones with an eye painted on them for some reason he didn’t want to explain. Every night they’re apart, without fail, they’ll call each other and check in, make sure the other person is alright, make sure that they’re able to handle being alone. Most times one of them will fall asleep in the middle of the conversation (it’s usually Hamid, honestly) but even just the  _ talking  _ helps more than they thought it would. 

It’s nice, too, knowing that they don’t ever have to get used to being apart again. Being saviors of the world comes with a lot of perks, and a gorgeous penthouse flat in Cairo with more than enough space for all of them is just one of the perks. Much like Hamid’s childhood, there’s enough rooms for all of them to have their own, but none of them consider their rooms anything more than a place to put their stuff. They usually end up all together anyway, in a giant pile of tangled limbs and snores and content smiles.

So, yeah, the spaces are still there, and Hamid thinks about Sasha and Grizzop often. But with Azu there, with Zolf and Cel there to support him, he thinks he’ll be okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> hmu @ ohallows on tumblr! comments/kudos appreciated and now it’s 2am i’m gonna go to bed thanks insomnia!!


End file.
